The end of the summer went quickly and although we're not in full swing for fall, I already feel the change in our days.  

There's been a small change in my clinic visits -- Dr. Kaplan gave me the option of seeing him or just the nurse.  Last week I only saw the nurse but I'll probably choose to see him every other week.  My wait is a little shorter when I don't see him but the nurse still needs to confirm the treatment orders, so it doesn't save me much time.

My scans (CT and Bone Scan) are scheduled for Friday, September 10th and I'll get the results at my next appointment on Monday, September 13th.  I'm pretty sure I'm the person least interested in the results because to me it won't be "bad news" or "good news", it will just be "news".  Based on how I feel and my clinical exams, I know the tests are going to look significantly better than they did 4 months ago. I will ask Dr. Kaplan what the results mean to him, although I suspect he'll give a general answer about it being good news today and that the results confirm the treatment is working so we'll continue on this schedule. WHICH I ALREADY KNOW! Will he be able to tell me where I’ll be three years from now? Nope. Is that what I really want to know? Absolutely.  Well, sort of.

That being said, I am curious about my bones because they aren't easily assessed through a clinical exam. Those darn tumors can damage the bone and although I'm on two courses of treatment to combat that, I really have no idea how they look and what restrictions I'll have on my daily activities (right now I'm being very careful).

Welcome to my frustrating world.  I do appreciate feeling better and I'm thankful that we had a much better summer than I expected, chemo and all.  But it's very hard to accept that there won't be any real answers -- just steps along the way.  I'm hopeful about having LOTS of steps in my future but it's not an easy way to live.  At least if you're wired like I am.

My emotions are tiring and when added to the fatigue from my treatments, I know I haven't been at my best.  Last week I asked the social worker at the hospital to put me in contact with two people.  First, a social worker who serves as a counselor for patients receiving treatment (I'd like someone to talk to "as needed", maybe just over the phone) and a "cancer buddy" provided by the American Cancer Society.  She'll be someone close to my age, with a similar diagnosis, hopefully with young children and several steps ahead of me in her cancer journey.   I need someone who has been there to say, "This sucks but it gets better".  I've been beating myself up about not having my emotions under control or being able to truly take things "one day at a time" (although I'm trying and do pretty well some days).   A dear friend reminded me that although it seems like I've had cancer for a long time, I was only diagnosed 4 months ago and it's okay that I haven't worked everything out.

Moving on -- I had an unusually good time at treatment last week. It's never a bad experience but I laughed a lot. I'm not sure why but here's a "thank you" to Callie for being a part of it.  It also helped that the nurse seemed to appreciate my sense of humor.  Or, she was humoring me!

The boys are happy, Olivia loves being back in school and I'm grateful that our new baby-sitter (and friend) is working out so well.  All blessings.

My goal for this week is to have it feel as "pre-cancer" as possible.  The boys start preschool, Olivia has her first soccer practice and I'm hoping to meet James for lunch one day. 

And finally, many of you have been asking about my upcoming scans so I will post the results as soon as I can.  Thank you again for all of your support and encouragement.  It continues to make a difference and we don't know what we'd do without all of your thoughtfulness and prayers. As difficult as things can be, we never lose sight of how blessed we are to have so many amazing people in our lives.