I was surprised that I was emotional for a few days after receiving the test results, even though they were mainly positive. I'm sure it was because they brought everything to the forefront again.  I never forget what's happening but my feelings are often in the background while I'm getting on with my day.

I did talk to Dr. Kaplan about what the test results mean for future treatments.  I was only scheduled to see the nurse that day, but I asked to see the doctor so I could get my questions answered sooner rather than later. I was proud of myself for getting the information I wanted and I felt better afterwards.

As I suspected, it isn't typical for tumors to respond differently to treatment (some are smaller and some started to calcify). And the tumors that stayed the same need to be watched closely.  I'll have another scan in 2, rather than 3 months, to determine if it's time to make changes. The good news is there are several treatments for stubborn tumors (including radiation, although that's not the next step).   I don't know if I'll like all the options but it's good to know there are many treatments available.

I've had some vision changes lately which have two possible causes. One is an annoying chemo side effect that I need to live with and although the other is rare (occurs less than 1% of the time), it's more serious.  I'm going to see an ophthalmologist to confirm which it is. 

My white cell count was low this week. Low enough that Dr. Kaplan considered not giving me treatment.  We went ahead because it's the last week before my break and I received a "booster" white cell shot.   I’ll be back to 3 shots a week when I return to treatment.   This wasn't unexpected and I'm used to giving myself shots, so it's a side effect I can easily deal with.

The social worker/counselor I contacted came by during my treatment two weeks ago.  She listened to my concerns and gave me some ideas to help get through my more difficult moments. She isn't available on a regular basis so I asked her about finding someone else who has experience with cancer patients. I'm still searching and hopefully I’ll find someone soon.  No call yet about a cancer buddy.  It's a little discouraging that there isn't a good match for me at this time but I'm trying to be patient.

Something new for me --  I wore a scarf in public.  Not anywhere I'd see someone I know but it's a start.  The wig isn't uncomfortable but I don't always feel like wearing it.  Olivia told her friends I have a wig and now she's afraid she's going to be embarrassed when I volunteer in her classroom this week.  She's not usually bothered by it so one of her friends must have said something to make her feel bad. I'm a little sad that her acceptance of my wig has been diminished by 1st graders.  Silly me - I thought this kind of thing wouldn't happen until she was older.

Olivia loves playing soccer and she's doing well for a beginner. She told me she tries to keep up with one boy on her team because "he's the fastest and scores the most goals".  I was impressed that she's trying to figure out ways to get better on her own.  It made me smile to watch her play with dolls before the game, then easily bring out her competitive side when it was time. Gotta love that girl.

After watching Olivia play soccer, the boys asked to be on the team but they'll need to wait until next year. For now, they're enjoying preschool and Ryan is quickly absorbing all he's learning about letters and sounds.  Daniel keeps talking about a little girl who wants to kiss him!

As we were leaving Target last Sunday, there was a "mini storm" and I decided we should run to the car, rather than wait it out. We all laughed as we got drenched in the cold rain.  The kids thought it was the greatest thing ever and want to do it again. I'm not in a big rush but I loved the good energy that lasted until dinnertime. You never know when those moments will come.  On another day, we would have complained that we were cold and wet!

I'll write again in a couple weeks. I'm looking forward to not thinking about cancer (at least as much) until then.

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About my recent scans --

The actual tests were easier than the ones I originally had, mainly because I'm not a fan of the MRI experience and I had two in May. The other test I had in May was a PET scan, which isn't a big deal except you can only eat lean proteins (with no marinade, spices, etc) and certain veggies for 24 hours before. That fell on Mother's Day and the only things I ate were plain baked chicken, celery and green peppers. Yum. The PET scan also includes being injected with radioactive dye and sitting still for an hour before the test (no reading, etc). None of that on Friday. I think Dr. Kaplan rotates tests, so both of those are likely going to be part of the next round.

But you don't really care about that, do you? You want to know what I learned YESTERDAY.

 Overall, the scans show good improvement.

 The tumor in my breast has shrunk by approximately 40%. That's good but at this point it isn't doing any harm, no matter what size it is. It was responsible for passing the cells on to my lymph nodes, where the bigger problems started. But, progress is progress.

The lymph node tumor shrunk by 50%. That's more significant. Getting that under control will help keep everything else stable.

The rest of the results aren't as easy to put percentages or numbers on, mainly because I had different tests this time, so there isn't a 1:1 comparison.

Many, but not all of the bone tumors show scar tissue, which is a good thing. That basically means they're dying. Others have shrunk but don't show signs of scar tissue, which is good in a different way. It also sounds like some of them have remained the same size. I'm not sure I'm thrilled about that. It's good that they aren't bigger but why aren't they doing anything else? That's one question on my list, although I suspect the answer will be my favorite, "It's too early to tell". I asked the nurse and she said some "hang out" for a while and then they shrink quickly. Others might not respond to the current meds and at some point we'll know whether it's time to try a new drug. More waiting and "what ifs".

 And finally, my liver. That was the hardest to compare to the last scan so we still have to base some of the results on my clinical exams. The fact that I have a normal size liver, even though many of the tumors appear to be the same size, means something good happened that wasn't visible on the test. There is evidence of scar tissue in many, but not all of the tumors. More info will come next time. I do have a couple questions about the report, which I’ll ask next week.

 Lots going through my mind but I'll save that for another time.

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The end of the summer went quickly and although we're not in full swing for fall, I already feel the change in our days.  

There's been a small change in my clinic visits -- Dr. Kaplan gave me the option of seeing him or just the nurse.  Last week I only saw the nurse but I'll probably choose to see him every other week.  My wait is a little shorter when I don't see him but the nurse still needs to confirm the treatment orders, so it doesn't save me much time.

My scans (CT and Bone Scan) are scheduled for Friday, September 10th and I'll get the results at my next appointment on Monday, September 13th.  I'm pretty sure I'm the person least interested in the results because to me it won't be "bad news" or "good news", it will just be "news".  Based on how I feel and my clinical exams, I know the tests are going to look significantly better than they did 4 months ago. I will ask Dr. Kaplan what the results mean to him, although I suspect he'll give a general answer about it being good news today and that the results confirm the treatment is working so we'll continue on this schedule. WHICH I ALREADY KNOW! Will he be able to tell me where I’ll be three years from now? Nope. Is that what I really want to know? Absolutely.  Well, sort of.

That being said, I am curious about my bones because they aren't easily assessed through a clinical exam. Those darn tumors can damage the bone and although I'm on two courses of treatment to combat that, I really have no idea how they look and what restrictions I'll have on my daily activities (right now I'm being very careful).

Welcome to my frustrating world.  I do appreciate feeling better and I'm thankful that we had a much better summer than I expected, chemo and all.  But it's very hard to accept that there won't be any real answers -- just steps along the way.  I'm hopeful about having LOTS of steps in my future but it's not an easy way to live.  At least if you're wired like I am.

My emotions are tiring and when added to the fatigue from my treatments, I know I haven't been at my best.  Last week I asked the social worker at the hospital to put me in contact with two people.  First, a social worker who serves as a counselor for patients receiving treatment (I'd like someone to talk to "as needed", maybe just over the phone) and a "cancer buddy" provided by the American Cancer Society.  She'll be someone close to my age, with a similar diagnosis, hopefully with young children and several steps ahead of me in her cancer journey.   I need someone who has been there to say, "This sucks but it gets better".  I've been beating myself up about not having my emotions under control or being able to truly take things "one day at a time" (although I'm trying and do pretty well some days).   A dear friend reminded me that although it seems like I've had cancer for a long time, I was only diagnosed 4 months ago and it's okay that I haven't worked everything out.

Moving on -- I had an unusually good time at treatment last week. It's never a bad experience but I laughed a lot. I'm not sure why but here's a "thank you" to Callie for being a part of it.  It also helped that the nurse seemed to appreciate my sense of humor.  Or, she was humoring me!

The boys are happy, Olivia loves being back in school and I'm grateful that our new baby-sitter (and friend) is working out so well.  All blessings.

My goal for this week is to have it feel as "pre-cancer" as possible.  The boys start preschool, Olivia has her first soccer practice and I'm hoping to meet James for lunch one day. 

And finally, many of you have been asking about my upcoming scans so I will post the results as soon as I can.  Thank you again for all of your support and encouragement.  It continues to make a difference and we don't know what we'd do without all of your thoughtfulness and prayers. As difficult as things can be, we never lose sight of how blessed we are to have so many amazing people in our lives.                               

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