There's not much to report medically. I asked Dr. Kaplan a couple questions and he said my white cell count continues to be good. My brother is visiting and he went to treatment with James and I, which was good for both of us and helped the time go quickly.

The only blip was insurance related -- imagine that. We're generally happy with our medical insurance but there's been a misunderstanding about the shots I get at home. Hopefully the hospital pharmacist will get it resolved. We'll have to make an extra trip to Seattle but we're getting used to that.

I was actually surprised at how much better I felt last week without treatment. It was as close to normal as I've felt in a while. I also realized that the treatments had become a security blanket. I (irrationally) thought I would lose ground if I took a week off. I now see that regaining some strength (and having some fun) helped my system get ready to handle more. Sort of. I thought I was ready to go back Monday because I knew what to expect but I woke up very cranky. It didn't take long to figure out why and turn it around but I'm not looking forward to my "ick" days after experiencing a week without them.

Although it was my decision to have my head shaved, there were still many tears the night before. I cried for the obvious reasons (I didn't have any illusions that it would be a good look for me, although Mary said I have a perfectly shaped head) but also because hair loss is such a visual reminder that I have cancer. Even as I get used to looking in the mirror and adjust to other changes, I still think about my diagnosis with each glance. I'm hoping that decreases over time.

The woman who shaved my head said most people think watching their hair fall out is more traumatic than shaving it and although I wouldn't have guessed that, I agree. And my practical side was ready -- who needs hair falling in their cereal bowl?

Xanax did help me get through that day (so did Mary, who came with me). I save the meds for "special" occasions and haven't taken many but I'm a fan. It does the job without making me loopy or having any noticeable side effects. Just a little bliss when I need it.

Olivia knew my "medicine" was making my hair fall out but when she saw my head for the first time she looked shocked and I wasn't sure if she was going to cry. She said, " Why did the medicine make ALL of your hair fall out? " We talked about it and although she prefers I wear my wig, she's okay seeing me without it. The boys think it's funny and they occasionally ask me to show them my head. They also ask when my hair will be "sticking out" again but don't seem to care if it does or not. It's a gift to have them remind me every day that I'm still the same person, with or without hair.

On to non-hair news: James stayed home from work one day and we had a great date. I recommend everyone take a week day/work day to play once in a while!

I'll end with this thought:

I've noticed that friends will stop themselves as they start complaining and say something like, "I shouldn't be whining with all you're dealing with." YES, you should vent and in fact I want you to. I still understand your frustrations and I still get frustrated about the same things. There might be a topic that we end up laughing about or something unpredictable might make me sad. I want it all. These conversations make me feel normal as much as sitting in the clinic getting chemotherapy reminds me how much my life has changed. Imagine what my day would be like if I was only living with my illness and not sharing in your life. Share! Share! Share!