I just finished my third round of treatment  (3 weeks on, one week off) and it's going well.   I'm a little more tired, I have a mild headache after treatment and I give myself two shots every week to increase my white blood cell count, but overall the CMF (cytoxan-methotrexate-fluorouracil 5) is manageable.  The schedule has been inconvenient, especially over the summer, but that's better than feeling awful AND not liking the schedule!

I had a scan on August 14th, which was "stable".  I was hoping for "shrink" (there are several liver tumors that haven't budged), but "nothing new" and "no growth' is a good thing.   I asked Dr. Kaplan about it and was reminded that because I initially had trouble keeping my white blood cells stable, I've only been on a full dose of chemo for 5 weeks.   Dr. Kaplan and I are both hopeful that after being on the full dose for the next 3 months, the next scan will show more improvement.  

I haven't talked about the emotions surrounding cancer in a while, but no matter how good things are, there's always a sense that life is forever different and will contain some level of fear.  For example, I've had a dry cough for a while and was worried that it was caused by cancer in my lungs.  It didn't cause me great anxiety, but it was in the back of my mind until I received the scan results.

And the other night Daniel said, "Mom, I"m going to keep loving you, even when I'm a grown-up.   And even when you're a grandma" (we had just returned from a visit with James' parents).  As sweet as that was, the first thing that went through my mind was, 'It's unlikely that I'll see you graduate from high school or be a grandparent".  Tough stuff and not a topic I bring up very often (or ever say out loud), but as I said, it's always there.

For now, I"m back to my mantra,  "Today, I am good".   Which is true.

The biggest thing I'm struggling with is adjusting to being thrown in to menopause after my surgery in May.   I can't take any hormone replacements because my tumors love estrogen and progesterone, so I need to learn to deal with and/or accept those symptoms .  The hot flashes are annoying, but it's harder to deal with sleeping problems, a non-existent metabolism and mood swings.  Really big mood swings.  I have an appointment to talk to a doctor about what options I might have.

I can't believe school is just around the corner and soccer practice has already started. I found out who Daniel and Olivia's teachers will be this year and I got a big hint about who Ryan's will be.   I think they'll have a good year, and hopefully I will, too.

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