Life with Cancer is Hard, Part III:  Stuff isn't getting done

Although my physical symptoms are difficult and tiring, the schedule and fatigue are harder. I was talking to someone recently and mid-conversation she said, "I just realized how much time you lose every week. I feel behind when I have one busy week."  Yep, it's tough.

It took me a long time to understand why my "to do" list wasn't getting done.  I finally realized that between being at the clinic, not feeling well, and not having much energy, I've lost a lot of time this year.   I finally did the math and over the last 11 months, I've lost approximately 99 days (3 days a week, 3 out of every 4 weeks), which is almost 1/3 of a year.   No more wondering why I rarely get together with friends, didn't finish any projects this year (including fun ones) and couldn't even consider joining the PTA.

Even simple things take me a long time.  I think it's sad that I'm proud of myself for doing mundane tasks like scheduling a dental appointment or taking the kids in for their check-ups.   I feel bad when I think about the things that aren't getting done, like taking poor Katarina to the vet.  It's on the list, but other things have to come first.

I took my Christmas thank-you notes with me everywhere for two months, thinking I'd find a few minutes to write them.  I finally had to accept that they weren't going to get done.  I know everyone understands but it was hard to let go of something that I've done since I was a child.   My list of "what's not getting done"  is getting longer and it sometimes feels out of control.  I'm smart, I'm organized -- why can't I figure this out and make it better? Most things can't be done by anyone else, and although it's helpful when I delegate or let go of chores, it's not enough.

Those who know me well (or even not so well) understand how much this bothers me.  Both because I like being organized and because I put a lot of pressure on myself to "get it together".  My rational side understands that I need to give myself a break but I don't. Even though my current schedule is probably ending soon, I'm wondering if I'll ever catch up because it might take a year for me to feel better and get my energy back. 

My schedule has also had a profound effect on James.  Because of his added responsibilities, he never sleeps more than 4 or 5 hours a night. One day he said, "I don't think I've slept more than 3 hours all week".  I don't know how he does it. I try to give him a break when I can but he rarely takes it.  I know he's driven to do everything he can to help our family but I worry because he's not taking care of himself.  And it's hard to argue with him about some things. For example, we have a friend who's willing to bring Olivia home from her swimming lessons (she already takes her there.....thank you, Callie!) but James goes to her lesson after work because he enjoys watching her swim and Olivia loves having him there. He's an amazing husband and father, even under these difficult circumstances.

We've been coping as well as we can but we're both feeling the strain and I know we can't go on like this for much longer.   Even if I continue to be tired for a while, it will be a blessing not to be tied to the chemo schedule and slowly have the aches and pains decrease.  I don't know if our lives will ever be like they were before I got sick but I do believe even a small change will make a big difference.

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